“He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man’s number. His number is 666” (Rev. 13:16-18)
A man in Idaho cut off his hand and microwaved it, as he was convinced it had The Mark of The Beast. As Jesus said-if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out. As there is really little to add to the story of a nutter who thinks he bears the mark of the beast, I thought I would talk about a slightly different Mark of The Beast-Cellphones.
It is clear, to even the casual observer, that the end of days are close at hand-ok, the end of days are always close at hand, but that is beside the point. There have been a few arguments that say credit cards are the mark of the beast, that whole thing with the numbers comes into play there. But I maintain that it is cellphones and not credit cards that are the mark of the beast. They have numbers too, you know, and you can’t get a credit card to show 666 just by typing it in.
I am not a big believer in any of this stuff, and I am not the kind of man that would cut off his hand with a circular saw-a meat cleaver would be the way to go. But I have resisted the urge to get a cell phone. When people ask me why don’t you have a cell phone-I always reply that cell phones are the mark of the beast. Think about it- they are often in a person’s right hand, and those stupid, moronic ear pieces that jut out of the sides of people’s heads-well, they are close to the forehead. And isn’t is a sign of madness that all these people walk around talking to themselves all the time? Before cellphones you could safely assume they were insane. Now they are just self-important and inconsiderate assholes. One and all bearing the mark of the beast.
Then again, maybe many of my readers use cell phones and will be offended by this notion. It’s the lure of the dark side, isn’t it? You know, they just passed a law against driving and using a cell phone while in a school zone or on certain freeways. That’s because the mark of the beast makes you drive slower and be less careful of what you might be running into and/or over. Cellphones are the mark of the beast, and when I finally give in and get one-that will be it.
Am I really the only person left in the world without a cell phone?
Now I know how Will Smith felt in I Am Legend.
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And now Japan will be introducing the “wallet phones” for cashless payment to vending and fare machines. Also, Obama (who seemingly came out of no-where and has this odd charisma that enraptures everyone around him) will be issuing his VP announcement via mass texting to all cell phones. Hmm…isn’t there something in Revelations about the Antichrist using the Mark??? It’s all coming to focus..