A few million years ago there was a Martial Arts Living Legend named Bruce Lee. In Way of the Dragon Bruce Lee kills a bad guy played by Chuck Norris. That was the first time I ever heard of Chuck Norris. It’s been a few years since the rather silly Walker:Texas Ranger was on, and with its passing I kind of felt like Chuck Norris was moving into the Has Been Phase of his illustrious career.
But hey, if Sylvester Stallone can still crank out Rocky and Rambo movies, then by God, Chuck Norris can whip out a couple more Delta Force films. But being a tough guy with a mean roundhouse kick is not what Chuck Norris is in the news for these days. Chuck Norris is in the limelight because a rabid fan just this side of a stalker has written a book about him.
The Truth About Chuck Norris-400 Facts About The World’s Greatest Human has a silly cover and a silly title. One thing it doesn’t have is Chuck Norris’s blessings. Chuck Norris feels that his good name is being exploited. Chuck Norris has a good name? Well, I guess he did play a Texas Ranger so he has to be a good guy.
Just looking at the cover this book looks like one that low budget movie star Bruce Campbell would put out. His silly book was Make Love The Bruce Campbell Way. I have it laying around the house somewhere, but I never got around to reading it.
Of course, that was Bruce Campell making fun of Bruce Campbell-I’m sure he wouldn’t want anyone else doing it.
So what are a few of the Truths About Chuck?
Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
When God said, “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say please.”
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
The Truth About Chuck Norris has sold about 60,000 copies-I wonder if I can find some has-been to write a book about. . .
